Book 8 / Chapter 8
Paragraph 1 - The Nature of Love and Honour in Friendship
Explanation - Part By Part
"Most people seem, owing to ambition, to wish to be loved rather than to love; which is why most men love flattery; for the flatterer is a friend in an inferior position, or pretends to be such and to love more than he is loved; and being loved seems to be akin to being honoured, and this is what most people aim at."
This passage highlights a tendency in human nature: many people prefer to be loved rather than to actively love others. This preference stems from ambition and a desire for recognition or validation. Aristotle points out that this is why people are often drawn to flattery—flattery gives them the impression of being loved or valued, even if the affection is insincere. The flatterer assumes a subordinate role, either genuinely or pretentiously showing more affection and admiration than they receive, which appeals to the ego of the one being flattered. For many, the experience of being loved feels similar to being honored or respected, which, Aristotle notes, is a common goal that people seek.
"But it seems to be not for its own sake that people choose honour, but incidentally. For most people enjoy being honoured by those in positions of authority because of their hopes (for they think that if they want anything they will get it from them; and therefore they delight in honour as a token of favour to come); while those who desire honour from good men, and men who know, are aiming at confirming their own opinion of themselves; they delight in honour, therefore, because they believe in their own goodness on the strength of the judgement of those who speak about them."
Aristotle is analyzing why people seek honor and what it means to them. He points out that most people don’t desire honor for its own sake, but rather for what it symbolizes or brings. For example:
1. Honor from those in power: People often want to be honored by individuals in authority because they see it as a sign of potential benefit. They believe that being honored might lead to receiving favors or help in the future. So, the honor is valued as a kind of promise or expectation of future advantages.
2. Honor from virtuous or knowledgeable individuals: On the other hand, when someone seeks honor from people who are wise or morally good, it’s usually because it reinforces their own belief in their worth. This type of honor gives them confidence that they are indeed good or virtuous, as it serves as a validation from people whose opinions matter.
In both cases, Aristotle is emphasizing that people aren't necessarily pursuing honor for the sheer sake of being honored. Instead, they see it as a tool—either a means to gain something in the future or a way to affirm their own goodness through the judgment of others.
"In being loved, on the other hand, people delight for its own sake; whence it would seem to be better than being honoured, and friendship to be desirable in itself."
This part highlights the intrinsic joy people find in being loved. Unlike honor—where the value often depends on external factors, such as who is giving the honor and for what reason—being loved is presented as inherently fulfilling. It doesn't require a secondary justification, like gaining favor or validating one's self-worth. Love is deeply personal and direct, making it more desirable and valuable. Aristotle uses this to emphasize that friendship, which is rooted in love, is valuable in and of itself, not because of some external goal or benefit.
"But it seems to lie in loving rather than in being loved, as is indicated by the delight mothers take in loving; for some mothers hand over their children to be brought up, and so long as they know their fate they love them and do not seek to be loved in return (if they cannot have both), but seem to be satisfied if they see them prospering; and they themselves love their children even if these owing to their ignorance give them nothing of a mother's due."
Aristotle is pointing out that true and deep emotion, particularly in the context of friendship, lies more in the act of loving than in being loved. To make this idea relatable, he uses the example of a mother. A mother’s love for her child is unconditional and selfless—she finds joy and fulfillment simply in loving her child and seeing them do well, regardless of whether the child reciprocates that love fully or even acknowledges it.
Even when mothers entrust others to raise their children, their love does not waver as long as they know their children are safe and thriving. This kind of love doesn’t depend on receiving anything in return, like gratitude or affection; it is entirely about the well-being of the loved one. This example highlights the profound and giving nature of true affection—where the act of giving love itself is the highest reward, rather than demanding affirmation or return.
"Now since friendship depends more on loving, and it is those who love their friends that are praised, loving seems to be the characteristic virtue of friends, so that it is only those in whom this is found in due measure that are lasting friends, and only their friendship that endures."
Aristotle is saying that true friendship is primarily about loving rather than being loved. People who actively care for and cherish their friends—rather than focusing on receiving affection or benefits in return—are the ones who are praised as good friends. This act of loving, or selflessly wishing the best for the other person, is what Aristotle identifies as the key virtue in a friendship.
He also emphasizes that friendships last only when this balance of love is "in due measure", meaning it’s appropriate and reciprocal to some degree. This kind of mutual, genuine love is what makes friendships endure over time. Without this, friendships will falter or disappear.