Book 8 / Chapter 7
Paragraph 1 - Friendships of Inequality
Explanation - Part By Part
"But there is another kind of friendship, viz. that which involves an inequality between the parties, e.g. that of father to son and in general of elder to younger, that of man to wife and in general that of ruler to subject."
Aristotle is introducing a type of friendship that is not based on equality between the two people involved. In these relationships, one person holds a higher or more authoritative position than the other, such as a parent and child, an older person and a younger one, a husband and a wife, or a ruler and their subjects. These friendships are defined by their imbalance in status, roles, or responsibilities.
"And these friendships differ also from each other; for it is not the same that exists between parents and children and between rulers and subjects, nor is even that of father to son the same as that of son to father, nor that of husband to wife the same as that of wife to husband."
Aristotle is emphasizing that friendships based on unequal relationships—such as those between parents and children, rulers and subjects, or husbands and wives—are not all the same. Even within a specific type of relationship, like that between a parent and child, the dynamic differs depending on the direction: a father's relationship with his son is not identical to the son's relationship with his father. Similarly, the bond a husband feels toward his wife is distinct from the bond a wife feels toward her husband. These differences arise because the roles, responsibilities, and reasons for affection vary for each person within these relationships.
"For the virtue and the function of each of these is different, and so are the reasons for which they love; the love and the friendship are therefore different also."
Aristotle is saying that the virtue (qualities of goodness or excellence) and role (function, duty, or purpose) of each person in these relationships are not the same. Because people in relationships like parent-child, husband-wife, or ruler-subject contribute in different ways and for different reasons, the basis of their love and the kind of friendship they share will also differ. Essentially, the nature of the bond is shaped by the unique roles and virtues of each individual involved.
"Each party, then, neither gets the same from the other, nor ought to seek it; but when children render to parents what they ought to render to those who brought them into the world, and parents render what they should to their children, the friendship of such persons will be abiding and excellent."
Aristotle is explaining that in relationships where there is an inherent inequality—like between parents and children—it’s not realistic or appropriate for both sides to give or expect the same things from each other. Each party has a different role and responsibility based on their position in the relationship. For example, children owe their parents respect and gratitude for having brought them into the world and nurtured them, while parents owe their children care, guidance, and support.
When each side fulfills their specific role and gives what is fitting for their relationship, the bond between them becomes strong and enduring ("abiding and excellent"). Aristotle highlights here that balance in such friendships comes not from strict equality, but from each party meeting their unique obligations in a way that respects their differences.
"In all friendships implying inequality the love also should be proportional, i.e. the better should be more loved than he loves, and so should the more useful, and similarly in each of the other cases; for when the love is in proportion to the merit of the parties, then in a sense arises equality, which is certainly held to be characteristic of friendship."
Aristotle is explaining that in friendships where there is an inherent inequality—such as between a parent and child, a ruler and subject, or a husband and wife—the love each party gives should be proportional to their roles or contributions. For example, the "better" person (based on their virtue, wisdom, or role) or the "more useful" person should naturally be loved more intensely by the other because they bring more to the relationship.
This balance of love, based on the merit or what each party contributes, creates a kind of equilibrium. Even if the two people are not equals in position, virtue, or function, proportional love serves to stabilize the relationship and create a sense of harmony or fairness. For Aristotle, this proportionality allows such friendships to reflect a form of equality, which is an essential feature of any relationship that can genuinely be called a friendship.