Book 9 / Chapter 3
Paragraph 1 - The Termination of Friendships Based on Changing Attributes
Explanation - Part By Part
"Another question that arises is whether friendships should or should not be broken off when the other party does not remain the same. Perhaps we may say that there is nothing strange in breaking off a friendship based on utility or pleasure, when our friends no longer have these attributes."
Aristotle is addressing the question of whether it’s acceptable to end a friendship if the other person changes and no longer possesses the qualities that initially formed the basis of the relationship. He argues that friendships based on utility (mutual usefulness) or pleasure (shared enjoyment) can naturally end when those qualities disappear. For example, if someone was your friend because they made your life easier or more enjoyable but no longer do so, it’s reasonable to feel that the bond is no longer necessary. These types of friendships are conditional: they depend on the specific benefits or pleasures that each person brings to the relationship. When those conditions are no longer met, the friendship can logically dissolve without being seen as unusual or wrong.
"For it was of these attributes that we were the friends; and when these have failed it is reasonable to love no longer. But one might complain of another if, when he loved us for our usefulness or pleasantness, he pretended to love us for our character."
Aristotle is highlighting an important aspect of friendships based on utility (mutual benefit) or pleasure (enjoyment). These types of relationships exist because of specific qualities or benefits we get from the other person—like their usefulness to us or how much we enjoy their company. If those qualities fade or disappear (e.g., they’re no longer helpful or fun to be around), it’s reasonable that the friendship may come to an end, since it was built on those grounds.
However, problems arise when one person pretends the friendship is built on something deeper—like shared values or genuine admiration for the other’s character—while, in truth, it’s only about utility or pleasure. This dishonesty can create misunderstanding and hurt feelings. Essentially, Aristotle is saying it’s much worse to pretend to love someone for who they are (their character) when, in reality, you only care about what they offer you. That kind of deception damages trust and the relationship itself.
"For, as we said at the outset, most differences arise between friends when they are not friends in the spirit in which they think they are. So when a man has deceived himself and has thought he was being loved for his character, when the other person was doing nothing of the kind, he must blame himself;"
Aristotle is saying that many conflicts or misunderstandings in friendships arise when the nature of the friendship isn't what one thought it was. If someone believes they are being loved or valued for their character—meaning for who they truly are as a person—but it turns out that the other person only valued them for more superficial reasons, like their usefulness or the pleasure they provided, the mistaken individual should take responsibility for this misunderstanding. They essentially misled themselves by assuming the friendship was deeper or more meaningful than it actually was. In short, it's a warning about self-deception: don’t mistake a friendship based on convenience or enjoyment for one grounded in genuine mutual appreciation of character.
"when he has been deceived by the pretences of the other person, it is just that he should complain against his deceiver; he will complain with more justice than one does against people who counterfeit the currency, inasmuch as the wrongdoing is concerned with something more valuable."
Aristotle is drawing attention to the seriousness of deception in friendships. He argues that if someone pretends to value you for your character but is really only interested in the benefit or pleasure they gain from the relationship, such deceit is especially harmful. Why? Because this kind of dishonesty involves something far more valuable than money—it involves trust, connection, and moral worth.
He even states that the person who has been deceived in this way has more right to complain than someone who has been victimized by counterfeit money. Currency is just a material possession, but friendships and relationships rooted in supposed virtue touch on matters of human dignity and deeper emotional and ethical stakes. Betraying someone's belief that the friendship is based on shared character (virtue) rather than selfish motives strikes at the core of what it means to connect genuinely.
In essence, Aristotle is emphasizing that the harm caused by faking goodness in a relationship is a profound moral wrong, one that corrupts something far more significant than material goods. It undermines the very bonds that hold people together as friends.