Book 9 / Chapter 2
Paragraph 3 - Appropriate and Becoming Relations
Explanation - Part By Part
"That we should not make the same return to every one, nor give a father the preference in everything, as one does not sacrifice everything to Zeus, is plain enough; but since we ought to render different things to parents, brothers, comrades, and benefactors, we ought to render to each class what is appropriate and becoming."
Aristotle is making the point that not all relationships or obligations are the same, so we shouldn't respond to everyone in the same way. Just as we wouldn't offer every single sacrifice to Zeus (because in ancient Greek religion, different deities were honored with different offerings), we shouldn't treat every person in our lives as though they have identical claims or roles. Instead, we should give what is appropriate and fitting to each type of relationship—whether it's parents, siblings, friends, or those who have helped us in some significant way (benefactors). Each relationship has its own unique demands and forms of respect or support that are "due" based on the role the person plays in our life.
"And this is what people seem in fact to do; to marriages they invite their kinsfolk; for these have a part in the family and therefore in the doings that affect the family; and at funerals also they think that kinsfolk, before all others, should meet, for the same reason."
In this part, Aristotle is pointing out how society tends to naturally behave when it comes to major life events, like marriages and funerals. He observes that people invite their close family (kinsfolk) to these events because they are directly connected to the family. Family members are seen as having a special, inherent role in matters that deeply impact the family unit, whether it's celebrating a union (in marriage) or mourning a loss (in a funeral). This reflects the broader idea that different relationships come with specific responsibilities and expectations that align with their unique roles in our lives.
"And it would be thought that in the matter of food we should help our parents before all others, since we owe our own nourishment to them, and it is more honourable to help in this respect the authors of our being even before ourselves; and honour too one should give to one's parents as one does to the gods, but not any and every honour; for that matter one should not give the same honour to one's father and one's mother, nor again should one give them the honour due to a philosopher or to a general, but the honour due to a father, or again to a mother."
Aristotle is saying that when it comes to helping others, especially in essential matters like food, we should prioritize our parents above everyone else. This is because they are the ones who gave us life and cared for us, making it both a duty and an honor to give back to them. However, he makes an important distinction about how we honor them. The respect we show to parents should be specific to their role as parents, not the kind of respect or honor we’d give to, say, a philosopher or a military leader. For example, you wouldn’t treat your father like a general commanding an army, nor treat your mother like a famous intellectual. Instead, you honor them in ways that appropriately acknowledge their role as "authors of your being"—as the ones responsible for your existence and upbringing.
"To all older persons, too, one should give honour appropriate to their age, by rising to receive them and finding seats for them and so on; while to comrades and brothers one should allow freedom of speech and common use of all things."
Aristotle is emphasizing that the way we treat people should reflect their unique roles or relationships in our lives. For older individuals, he suggests showing respect specific to their age and the dignity they've earned through their life experience. Such acts of respect might include standing when they enter a room or offering them a seat—small gestures that acknowledge their seniority and societal position.
In contrast, for equals like friends and siblings, the focus shifts to fostering closeness and equality rather than formalities. With these individuals, Aristotle suggests a more relaxed and open interaction, such as allowing unfiltered speech (freedom to express themselves) and sharing resources and experiences. The key takeaway is that respect and behavior should be tailored to the nature of each relationship—there’s no one-size-fits-all approach.
"To kinsmen, too, and fellow-tribesmen and fellow-citizens and to every other class one should always try to assign what is appropriate, and to compare the claims of each class with respect to nearness of relation and to virtue or usefulness. The comparison is easier when the persons belong to the same class, and more laborious when they are different."
Aristotle is pointing out that in our relationships with others—whether they’re family (kinsmen), members of our community (fellow-tribesmen), or fellow citizens—we should treat each person or group in a way that is suitable to their particular role and connection to us. In other words, the way we act or respond to someone depends on the nature of our relationship with them: how closely related we are, their character (virtue), or how useful they are to us or to society.
However, deciding what is "appropriate" isn't always straightforward. It's easier to make these judgments when comparing people within the same category—for example, deciding between two siblings or two friends. But when people belong to different categories (like comparing an elder family member to a close friend), it becomes more complex and requires more careful thought. Despite the difficulty, Aristotle believes we should still make the effort to weigh these considerations and strive to act appropriately.
"Yet we must not on that account shrink from the task, but decide the question as best we can."
Here, Aristotle is emphasizing the importance of making thoughtful judgments even when the decisions are complex and challenging. He acknowledges that comparing the duties and obligations we owe to different people—like parents, friends, siblings, or community members—can be difficult, especially when their relationships to us vary in closeness or importance. However, the difficulty of the task does not excuse us from attempting it. Instead, we are called to thoughtfully weigh each situation, considering factors like the nature of the relationship, the person's virtues, or their usefulness, and to respond in the most appropriate way possible.
In modern terms, he's reminding us not to avoid complex moral or social decisions just because they're hard. Our duty is to navigate these situations with as much wisdom and fairness as we can muster, even if the answers are not always entirely clear.