Book 8 / Chapter 5
Paragraph 1 - The Nature of Friendship and Its Dependence on Proximity and Pleasure
Explanation - Part By Part
"As in regard to the virtues some men are called good in respect of a state of character, others in respect of an activity, so too in the case of friendship; for those who live together delight in each other and confer benefits on each other, but those who are asleep or locally separated are not performing, but are disposed to perform, the activities of friendship; distance does not break off the friendship absolutely, but only the activity of it."
Aristotle is comparing friendship to virtue. Just as some people are considered virtuous based on their inherent character and others based on the actions they perform, friendship also has layers. Friends who are physically together actively share joy and help one another—essentially "performing" friendship. However, when friends are apart (whether asleep or living far from each other), they are not actively engaging in these interactions. Yet, the bond itself still exists, as long as the separation isn't permanent. Distance doesn’t destroy the friendship, but it pauses the active expressions of it.
"But if the absence is lasting, it seems actually to make men forget their friendship; hence the saying 'out of sight, out of mind'."
Aristotle is pointing out that prolonged absence, or being physically apart for an extended period, can often weaken or even erase the connection between friends. This is because the shared activities, conversations, and mutual enjoyment that sustain most friendships are no longer happening. The bond is not completely destroyed by distance, but the natural lapse in interaction can cause people to drift apart emotionally, leading to a loss of the relationship over time. This is neatly summed up by the commonly known phrase, "out of sight, out of mind," which reflects how being physically separated can make people gradually forget about one another.
"Neither old people nor sour people seem to make friends easily; for there is little that is pleasant in them, and no one can spend his days with one whose company is painful, or not pleasant, since nature seems above all to avoid the painful and to aim at the pleasant."
Aristotle here is pointing out why some individuals, like older people or those who are "sour" (grumpy, bitter, or unpleasant in demeanor), often struggle to build strong friendships. The reason is simple: friendships naturally thrive on experiences that are enjoyable and mutually satisfying. If someone lacks qualities that make their company enjoyable, it becomes hard for others to want to spend time with them. He ties this to a basic aspect of human nature: we are drawn to what feels good or pleasant and tend to avoid what feels negative or painful. Friendship, by its very essence, relies on positivity and shared pleasure, making it difficult for those who come across as unpleasant to form close bonds.
"Those, however, who approve of each other but do not live together seem to be well-disposed rather than actual friends. For there is nothing so characteristic of friends as living together (since while it people who are in need that desire benefits, even those who are supremely happy desire to spend their days together; for solitude suits such people least of all); but people cannot live together if they are not pleasant and do not enjoy the same things, as friends who are companions seem to do."
Aristotle is emphasizing the central characteristic of true friendship: living life together. He explains that merely liking or approving of someone isn’t enough to form a complete friendship. True friendship involves sharing experiences, spending time together, and living in a way that aligns with mutual enjoyment and shared interests.
He highlights that even the happiest people, who don’t need anything from others, still want companionship—they long to spend their lives with close friends. Why? Because doing life alone, no matter how comfortable or self-sufficient one is, doesn’t feel natural. Solitude goes against human nature, as we naturally crave connection and shared joy.
However, living together—or consistently being in close relation—requires mutual enjoyment. Friends need to find pleasure in each other’s company and share similar tastes or values. Without this connection and enjoyment, it’s hard to truly spend time together in harmony. This shared enjoyment is what makes companions seem like genuine friends.