Book 9 / Chapter 4
Paragraph 1 - The Nature and Definition of Friendship
Explanation - Part By Part
"Friendly relations with one's neighbours, and the marks by which friendships are defined, seem to have proceeded from a man's relations to himself."
Aristotle begins this part by suggesting that the way we define and practice friendships with others actually stems from how we relate to ourselves. In other words, our understanding of friendship is closely tied to how we treat and understand our own inner relationship—things like what we desire for ourselves, how we care for our own well-being, and what we value in life. This implies that the qualities of love, care, and goodwill we extend to others are modeled on what we internally practice or wish for ourselves.
"For (1) we define a friend as one who wishes and does what is good, or seems so, for the sake of his friend, or (2) as one who wishes his friend to exist and live, for his sake; which mothers do to their children, and friends do who have come into conflict."
In this part, Aristotle is exploring what it means to truly be a friend. He identifies two key aspects:
1. A friend is someone who wants what is truly good for their friend and actively works towards it. They do so not because it benefits them personally, but purely out of care for the other person. Their intentions and actions are selfless and focused on the friend’s well-being.
2. A friend is also someone who wants their friend to exist and thrive simply for their friend’s own sake. This is the kind of love and care that a mother naturally has for her child—she values her child’s life and well-being simply because she cherishes the child, not because it serves her in any way. Aristotle extends this idea to friends, emphasizing that true friendship involves wanting your friend to flourish.
He subtly points out that this care can persist even in difficult situations, like when friends have disagreements or conflicts. True friends still hold this fundamental wish for each other’s good, even if their relationship is strained. This deep desire for a friend's well-being is what distinguishes genuine friendship.
"And (3) others define him as one who lives with and (4) has the same tastes as another, or (5) one who grieves and rejoices with his friend; and this too is found in mothers most of all. It is by some one of these characteristics that friendship too is defined."
Aristotle is explaining different ways people define friendship by describing behaviors and emotions that friends share. One idea is that friends are those who spend their lives together ("lives with") or who enjoy the same things and have similar interests ("has the same tastes"). Another perspective is that true friends deeply empathize with each other—they share in each other’s joys and sorrows. Aristotle points out that this emotional bond, especially sharing in grief and celebrations, is particularly evident in the relationship between mothers and their children. For him, friendship is defined by one or more of these characteristics, like shared experiences, mutual understanding, or emotional connection.