Book 8 / Chapter 13
Paragraph 1 - The Nature and Dynamics of Friendship
Explanation - Part By Part
"There are three kinds of friendship, as we said at the outset of our inquiry, and in respect of each some are friends on an equality and others by virtue of a superiority (for not only can equally good men become friends but a better man can make friends with a worse, and similarly in friendships of pleasure or utility the friends may be equal or unequal in the benefits they confer)."
Aristotle explains that there are three types of friendship: those based on virtue (shared moral excellence), pleasure (enjoying each other's company), and utility (practical benefits). Within these friendships, people can either be equals—both giving and receiving similar amounts—or unequals, where one person might provide more than the other based on their "superiority" (such as greater wisdom, skill, or resources). In other words, friendships don't always require perfect balance; they can exist between equals or between people of different standing, as long as their interactions fit the type of friendship they share.
"This being so, equals must effect the required equalization on a basis of equality in love and in all other respects, while unequals must render what is in proportion to their superiority or inferiority."
Aristotle is saying that in friendships, the way people relate to one another should reflect their standing or situation. If the friends are equals, their relationship should be based on balance and fairness—they should love and treat each other equally in all respects. On the other hand, if the friends are unequal (e.g., one has greater virtue, wealth, or authority than the other), then the relationship should reflect this difference. The "unequal" friend must give or receive in proportion to their higher or lower status, ensuring the friendship remains fair and just according to their relative positions. This balance helps maintain harmony, regardless of whether friends are equals or differ in standing.
"Complaints and reproaches arise either only or chiefly in the friendship of utility, and this is only to be expected."
Aristotle is pointing out that issues like complaints and accusations mostly happen in friendships based on utility—that is, friendships where people are connected primarily because they gain some benefit or use from each other. This makes sense because these friendships are transactional at their core. When expectations about receiving something useful aren't met—whether it's favors, support, or another form of benefit—frustrations naturally arise. Unlike deeper friendships based on virtue or shared enjoyment, utility-based relationships are more vulnerable to conflicts because they're dependent on what each person "gets" out of them.
"For those who are friends on the ground of virtue are anxious to do well by each other (since that is a mark of virtue and of friendship), and between men who are emulating each other in this there cannot be complaints or quarrels; no one is offended by a man who loves him and does well by him-if he is a person of nice feeling he takes his revenge by doing well by the other."
Aristotle is describing friendships based on virtue, which he considers the highest and most noble form of friendship. In such relationships, both individuals are driven by a genuine desire to do good for each other because that is part of their shared moral character. Since their actions are selflessly motivated by mutual respect and a love for what is good, there’s no room for bitterness, complaints, or conflict. If one person does something good for the other out of love and care, the other person, assuming they are equally virtuous, will naturally respond not with resentment but with gratitude—and they will “repay” that kindness by doing good in return. This reciprocal care becomes the foundation of their bond.
Aristotle emphasizes that virtuous friends are not in competition or keeping score; they are united by their shared commitment to helping each other grow and thrive. This mutual goodwill eliminates tension or offense, as both genuinely wish the best for the other.
"And the man who excels the other in the services he renders will not complain of his friend, since he gets what he aims at; for each man desires what is good."
This part highlights an important aspect of friendship, particularly in relationships where one person might be "better" or more capable in some way than the other (such as morally, intellectually, or through greater acts of kindness). Aristotle is saying that the person who offers more or does more for their friend won't feel the need to complain or hold resentment, because they are fulfilling their own desire to do good. In other words, their satisfaction comes from the joy or virtue of giving itself, rather than seeking something in return.
At its core, this reflects an ideal of generosity and mutual goodwill. The act of giving—when motivated by virtue and a true care for the other person—is seen as its own reward. It points to how true friendship, especially virtuous friendship, isn't transactional; it doesn't hinge on expecting something back for what you give. Instead, it's about genuinely wanting the good for the other person simply because you care for them.
"Nor do complaints arise much even in friendships of pleasure; for both get at the same time what they desire, if they enjoy spending their time together; and even a man who complained of another for not affording him pleasure would seem ridiculous, since it is in his power not to spend his days with him."
In this part, Aristotle is explaining why complaints or conflicts are rare in friendships based on pleasure. He argues that in such friendships, both individuals are naturally seeking and receiving enjoyment simply from spending time together. If they are genuinely enjoying each other's company, there’s no reason for dissatisfaction because each person is getting what they’re after: pleasure.
Aristotle also points out something that makes these friendships simpler—freedom of choice. If someone feels they are no longer enjoying the time spent with the other person, they can simply choose to stop spending time with them. Complaining about not finding pleasure in such a relationship would seem odd or even absurd because the relationship is entirely voluntary and based on mutual enjoyment. It’s as if someone were to keep going to a movie they don’t like and then complain about it. The logical response would be: "Well, just stop going!"